I'm a fan of online dating because it's pretty easy. It's the speed equivalent of Hot or Not, and there's even a chance of meeting the person. If you meet a person, there's a chance of sex too, which is always good in my book until you catch the clap or something worse. Wrap before you fap, folks.
This particular date was a little weird because I went to her house where I plundered the depths, if you will, but not after learning the said date I met online (we met at the beach as a date, and then took things further) was apparently really into voodoo. Seriously, she had like these strange bone figures all over her wall and I was starting to get creeped out.
We'll talk about The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild here shortly.
We finished and she didn't look very impressed. A sad day for me since I had the mindset that I would be great for her, but it turned out maybe her inner regions had been so ravaged in the past that my attempts were laughable. It didn't matter though, because shortly after The Finishing, she gave me a pill.
"It's a painkiller. It usually amps me up!"
Like Stormy Waters in Sealab, I said "OKAY" and took it. It didn't amp me up. Instead, I started to really get lofty.
Breath of the Wild is not like any Zelda I've played before. It works pretty well if you're running a funny twitch stream because you can crack jokes in the middle of walking somewhere distant. You can ramble on about bullshit as you're walking across the land until you come across something new, and then you run to discover what it's about.
At first, though, the game isn't forgiving. It kind of points you in a general direction of what to do and where to go, but shortly after that you're kind of fucked. You end up going places that aren't really beginner friendly, and you will die. Constantly. You'll get one-shotted on a consistent basis. That tower you want to secure to open up the map? Yeah that's surrounded by enemies that flit around and zap you if you get too close. So good luck on that front.
But after awhile, you'll start to see that you're gaining traction. You can stand up against the enemies that used to one-shot you. You can even get the towers you weren't expecting. Things start to make sense. And they click together. Breath of the Wild is more about finding the little magical mysteries and seeing how they work. It's much more think, explore, discover, uncover, and win. And yes, you can still have a funny twitch stream while you play it, so nobody is bored. Have fun with it.
After the painkiller started making me drowsy, I decided I would muster the energy to drive home. My rando-fuck wasn't thrilled that I was leaving, but I also wasn't thrilled that she basically drugged me, possibly to knock me out so hard that she'd steal some cash out of my wallet. I made it home safe and sound, but I hope she didn't steal my hair or something to make a goddamn voodoo doll out of me.
The above recount is true. Have an awesome day.
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